Here is a letter I wrote to Ronald McDonald recently.
"Dear Ronald,
I love you. I really do. You’ve been like a father to me over the years and for that I think you deserve respect. Sometimes I think you’re cooler than Jesus, but even He got it wrong occasionally. I know, I know - you’re just a couple of dudes searching for meaning in a strange world. I do see the similarities between Judas and The Hamburglar for example. You think you can trust a guy and what does he do? Betrays you/steals your junior burger. That sucks.
But today I have a pickle to throw at you and I’m afraid it might stick on the window to your soul. For that I apologise, but I think you need to hear me out.
Yesterday (Sunday April 13, 2009) I was refused a Happy Meal™. I know. WTF? I was served by Jane, a man-ish looking beast from some distant planet, maybe Zorgona, or another similar moon. I was polite and asked why my age could not be accommodated. To this she replied in a deep and humiliating delivery, “aren’t you a little old, buddyyyy?”
Those words were like eye-lasers eating my mind. I’ve been eating Happy Meals™ since I was eight, and I don’t plan to stop now. I may be twenty-three, but I still have the entire set of 101 Dalmations™ toys from 1998. Doesn’t that count for something? I plan to use Pongo and Perdita on the top of my wedding cake. I don’t have a wife yet but when I do I know it will be a Happy Day™. As you can see, Happy Meals™ are a big part of my identity, so I hope you can appreciate how upset this made me.
I did some research on the interweb and found that in 2004 you invented a Happy Meal™ for adults named Go Active!™ I’m glad I never saw one of these because it confuses me. Why would an adult want a Happy Meal™ that tells me what I should be doing? I want to be happy, not active. And no toy? At least you could have made the pedometer look like, I don’t know, Krang from the Ninja Turtles or something. I hope this was a funny joke. If it was, I was pleasantly amused.
Sorry Ronald, I just thought you should know what happened and I didn’t know who else to tell. Maybe you could send me some coupons. If not, I am missing the ‘Gonzo’ Happy Meal™ toy from the popular 1996 film Muppet Treasure Island. He’s tied to a mast and has a pink crayon box. I was in hospital at the time and they didn’t have McDonalds.
Oh, and fire Jane. She works at Mooroolbark McDonalds and looks like a man. You’ll know her when you see her.
Yours truly,
Tait Ischia"
I sent it in the mail to a Mr. Peter Bush, the CEO of McDonalds Australia. I thought that he'd have to know Ronald personally, seeing as he runs the business and all.
So to make sure Mr. Bush passed it on, I left a small note inside the envelope along with the letter.
Just today I got a response. Not from Ronald, but from Laura Aubusson, the Customer Service Coordinator at McDonalds Australia.
I thought maybe Ms. Aubusson is a pseudonym Ronald uses when speaking to his fanbase. Because that way he'd get less return mail. And he could relate 'one-on-one' with his followers.
So I looked the name up on Facebook. I don't know which one she is but none look like Ronald. How disappointing.
Click on the image of the letter below to read the response.
If anyone knows how I could get the ‘Gonzo’ Happy Meal™ toy tied to a mast with a pink crayon box, please let me know at t@taitischia.com. I will trade you one of my doubles.
6 Comments
Spoken by Tait Modern Ischia
on Monday, April 20 at 19:41.
"Dear Ronald,
I love you. I really do. You’ve been like a father to me over the years and for that I think you deserve respect. Sometimes I think you’re cooler than Jesus, but even He got it wrong occasionally. I know, I know - you’re just a couple of dudes searching for meaning in a strange world. I do see the similarities between Judas and The Hamburglar for example. You think you can trust a guy and what does he do? Betrays you/steals your junior burger. That sucks.
But today I have a pickle to throw at you and I’m afraid it might stick on the window to your soul. For that I apologise, but I think you need to hear me out.
Yesterday (Sunday April 13, 2009) I was refused a Happy Meal™. I know. WTF? I was served by Jane, a man-ish looking beast from some distant planet, maybe Zorgona, or another similar moon. I was polite and asked why my age could not be accommodated. To this she replied in a deep and humiliating delivery, “aren’t you a little old, buddyyyy?”
Those words were like eye-lasers eating my mind. I’ve been eating Happy Meals™ since I was eight, and I don’t plan to stop now. I may be twenty-three, but I still have the entire set of 101 Dalmations™ toys from 1998. Doesn’t that count for something? I plan to use Pongo and Perdita on the top of my wedding cake. I don’t have a wife yet but when I do I know it will be a Happy Day™. As you can see, Happy Meals™ are a big part of my identity, so I hope you can appreciate how upset this made me.
I did some research on the interweb and found that in 2004 you invented a Happy Meal™ for adults named Go Active!™ I’m glad I never saw one of these because it confuses me. Why would an adult want a Happy Meal™ that tells me what I should be doing? I want to be happy, not active. And no toy? At least you could have made the pedometer look like, I don’t know, Krang from the Ninja Turtles or something. I hope this was a funny joke. If it was, I was pleasantly amused.
Sorry Ronald, I just thought you should know what happened and I didn’t know who else to tell. Maybe you could send me some coupons. If not, I am missing the ‘Gonzo’ Happy Meal™ toy from the popular 1996 film Muppet Treasure Island. He’s tied to a mast and has a pink crayon box. I was in hospital at the time and they didn’t have McDonalds.
Oh, and fire Jane. She works at Mooroolbark McDonalds and looks like a man. You’ll know her when you see her.
Yours truly,
Tait Ischia"
I sent it in the mail to a Mr. Peter Bush, the CEO of McDonalds Australia. I thought that he'd have to know Ronald personally, seeing as he runs the business and all.
So to make sure Mr. Bush passed it on, I left a small note inside the envelope along with the letter.
Just today I got a response. Not from Ronald, but from Laura Aubusson, the Customer Service Coordinator at McDonalds Australia.
I thought maybe Ms. Aubusson is a pseudonym Ronald uses when speaking to his fanbase. Because that way he'd get less return mail. And he could relate 'one-on-one' with his followers.
So I looked the name up on Facebook. I don't know which one she is but none look like Ronald. How disappointing.
Click on the image of the letter below to read the response.
If anyone knows how I could get the ‘Gonzo’ Happy Meal™ toy tied to a mast with a pink crayon box, please let me know at t@taitischia.com. I will trade you one of my doubles.
that is just gold! I am surprised they even wrote back.
I still don't see why someone would refuse you a happy meal. That's an eye-opener.
Bahahaha, top effort champ.
Laura called you Ischia. That's pretty funny!
I didn't realise it was time for Tait's annual blog post. How time flies!
Anyway...
If you ever get to talk to Laura, please tell her that the number one rule of Customer Relationship Marketing is get the fucking name right.
Unless of course Ishia is in fact your name. In which case your parents were bigger hippies than you make them out to be. Which I very much doubt.
Hey Stan.
Hate to call you on this one, but... The number one rule when complaining on a blog about getting someone's name wrong is, to get it right when you complain.
Ps. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when the store owner calls in 'Jane' for her bi-monthly performance review, with this letter waiting on the table.
I bet she'll be 'lovin it'- not!!
Well spotted Tim!